Listening is the greatest kindness of all

The Samaritans on Coach Street re-opened this week after being hit by extensive flood damage last November.

PIO FENTON, director of the Cork Samaritans explains how the service works. The organisation supports individuals over the phone and by email. More than 1,200 people visit the office each year to speak with over 160 volunteers.

I’VE been a volunteer with the Samaritans for about six years now. In that time, I’ve begun to understand that there is no depth to the strength of the human spirit. People have endured the ‘unendurable,’ have borne the ‘unbearable’ and have overcome the ‘insurmountable.’

I know too that from time to time we all need a helping hand. It is the belief of Samaritans that often the best way in which you can help someone is the simple act of listening to someone.

It, perhaps, sounds simple. In ways it is simple. Why then do we have a problem in this country which has led to the deaths of so many people over the years through suicide?

We are a nation of talkers – we take great pride in that. We have become so consumed about talking that we have forgotten to listen.

The statistics on suicide are available to anyone who wants to know. They are stark and frightening. Sometimes I think we hide behind the statistics and forget that when we are talking about suicide we are talking about something that is all too real for many families.

It is an issue which has affected everyone in this country on some level. As a society, we know that talking about problems helps. We forget sometimes though that for every talker there needs to be a listener. These two things go hand-in-hand. What then does it mean to really listen?

Listening is a very active process. It requires concentration. It wears you out. It means being able to put aside your own prejudices and emotions and concentrate on those of the person who needs a listening ear.

When that person is experiencing feelings which are particularly distressing and burdening, it is all the harder to listen.

It means not telling someone what to do. It means never saying ‘snap out of it’ or ‘pull yourself together.’ It means never telling someone that they could be worse off and to not remind them of how good you think their life is.

It means being able to do everything you can to help someone carry their troubles.

That’s the real power of listening – it’s not a magic wand which will fix all your problems. It will, however, make those problems somewhat easier to carry. Your problems and worries are still your own but when you really have had the opportunity to be listened to they can be easier to bear.

This is the fundamental belief of an organisation that has been operating for 55 years in the UK and here in Ireland.

In Cork, Samaritans have been operating for 38 years. In that time, thousands of volunteers have helped provide that service taking more than a million calls. We do it because we know that for some, this is their only outlet. This is their only way of getting things off their chest – of unburdening themselves.

Sure, Samaritans don’t have a monopoly on listening ability. There are people all over the country, in every home and community who are natural-born listeners. We all know them – these are the people we turn to when times are tough for us. Unfortunately, as a society though I think we are still uncomfortable talking about our feelings. When we ask someone ‘how are you?’ do we really want to hear the full answer behind the usual ‘I’m grand!’

We are always going to be dealing with the issue of suicide. We might deal with it better if we learn how to listen more effectively.

Someone asked me recently if I had unlimited resources how would I change the world. For me, to change this situation means we need to start showing our children how important it is to talk about their problems and particularly their feelings. The rest of us need to start talking about our feelings too. Above all, though, we need to start listening when people start talking. This costs nothing but time.

We need to hear someone out and not rush to judgement. We need to start letting people know that it is ok to sometimes not feel happy. We need to help people find their own solutions rather than simply telling them what they should do.

We need to stop putting pressure on people to be happy. We need to allow people sometimes to be miserable.

We need to have confidence that talking about distressing feelings, and being listened to, can alleviate those feelings. We need to recognise that sometimes we are ‘them’ and they are ‘us.’

Sadly, even when we do all this, people may end up still taking their own lives. The causes of suicide are very complex and sometimes it takes more than just talking and being listened to. For the most part, however, listening works.

Our branch in Coach Street suffered the consequences of the recent flood. We are now back to normal and people can call in if they would like to talk about how they are feeling. We are glad to offer this service.

We would be happier if there were no need for the service. To achieve that however, as a society we need to start listening to one another more and to become a little more comfortable talking about our feelings. Remember that the next time you ask someone how they are.

You can contact the Samaritans on 1850 609090 or email jo@samaritans.org, or you can call in to the office at 7/8 Coach Street, near the Mercy Hospital – the office is open from 9am to 10pm seven days a week.

Enquiries about volunteering, should be directed to (021) 4271323